I feel like it's been forever since I wrote from my heart. I feel like I've been in survival mode for the past 2 years and am just peeking out. I'm finding a lot to think about! Besides noticing that all my drawers, cabinets, and walls need a good cleaning out and scrub down, I am finding a resilient house full of blessings!
Andy and I celebrated out 11 year wedding anniversary last month and I can say with all my heart that I love him more now that I could even comprehend on the day we married. That's saying alot since I am a hopeless romantic at heart! These past few years have allowed us to go to a whole deeper level of understanding each other. We have been very open about our fears, struggles, joys, grief and dreams for the future. How did I find my perfect match? Andy is a gift to my life. He has made this adventure bearable. He has kept me sain by understanding my tears, weather they are from joy or heartache. He never expects a clean home, or food on the table, and tells me I'm wonderful basically for surviving our chaotic life! He has picked up soo much slack (laundry, shopping) and listens as I drag up old painful memories and process through them. He works hard at work everyday then comes home to hold babies and help make dinner! What a man!
Caleb- He has taken to public school quite well, as he loves making friends. The schoolwork on the other hand, is a thorn in his side and he has a hard time keeping his head out of the clouds. That said, his teacher has said he's a "delight to have in class." Caleb is very charismatic and loves to make people laugh. His favorite things to do on a rainy day are to make comics and pull pranks. He's very creative and I love seeing all the detail in his drawings. Caleb is a natural when it comes to babies. He LOVES them! Even with all the "will you grab David", "Please get Luke some milk", "Oh, quick grab Liddy-bug before she rolls off the couch!", he still asks to hold Lydia and David for fun. I'll find him making David laugh by spinning him around, having David repeat silly words, or kissing Lydia's chubby cheeks. He also enjoys, riding his bicycle, and most the time enjoys cub scouts. He has recently started coming to hang out with me and his dad more. It's been an experience to see him becoming a young man.
Anthony- He is doing great with public school. Grade-wise he's above average but would rather be home schooled if he had the choice. He's very self motivated and task oriented. Anthony has recently started to like drawing and would like to take guitar lessons. Since starting public school I find him coming to talk with me more. He still climbs into my lap if it happens to not be full of his siblings. I love that he wants to be with me and enjoy hearing his detailed descriptions of things at school, even if it takes a 15 min to get through any story! Anthony has recently started cub scout and loves it! He is so helpful and responsible. I'm one blessed mom to have him.
Jentrey- She is a girl! I know it's obvious but with her in school I'm seeing extra clues. For example there are girls in school who like her and some that sometimes like her and then there are mean girls. She has had more "friend observations" than all my boys put together. No wonder girls are high drama! Jentrey loves to dance and play pretend. She has recently started fixing her own hair. He skills aren't ready for school but it shouldn't be too long till they are. She loves to help cook dinner and serve it. I was recently surprised about how much David's medical condition has effected her. I have talked really openly with the big boys about their feeling and fears but Jentrey (being 4 when this all started) was often in the back ground of the conversations. A few weeks ago she asked me a question beginning with "IF David grows up." Then the other evening we were laying in bed together while I nursed Lydia and she proceeded to tell me about telling a friend at school about David and all the little girl did was shrug her shoulders. Jentrey expressed her sadness at that. It was like she was searching for validation about David and of course the little kindergartner couldn't give it to her. Then she talked about how it would be if David died, repeating 3 times "but he'd always be with us." At least she'd picked that up from our previous conversations.
Luke- He is fun. He's obsessed with Lego men. He usually has one or two in his hands or pocket at all times. He loves to pop them all apart and mix up all their body parts. Being home without his older siblings has been good for him. He and David love to fight over toys and play ball together. Luke is the only one of the kids that doesn't treat David with any special mildness. David seems to enjoy tormenting Luke and will often get a sly grin as he takes Luke's guys or crawls on the book Luke's looking at. I've been working on discipline with Luke. Some of his self control has gone by the way side as our focus has been on the two younger kids. We've been stepping up his discipline and this determined little boy has given us a run for our money! It's so hard to discipline such an adorable usually loving little guy..but we need him to stay pleasant to be around for the long term and I have to keep myself from taking it easy on him or laughing out loud at his hilarious yet naughty stunts.
David- His hospital stay has left him very timid where walking's concerned. He has just over the past week taken off walking again. It has been bizzar to see him come around the corner and be walking slowly step by balanced step. I would say he's at least half and half now! He looks very proud of himself and that look of joy and determination fills my eyes with tears. He is just so beautiful. He walks withhis little shoulders raised and when I see him and say "David your walking!!!" he'll just beam! As for eating orally, some days I think we are breaking through and he'll eat a cracker and a little cheese in the morning, a few bites of pb&j for lunch and 10 beans from bowl of chili at dinner. Then the next day he'll throw stuff on the floor or only lick his crackers all day. He likes to do things in his own time and I try not to push him too much. We do messy play with cooked noodles and pudding. They say the more he feels food the more likely he will taste it and enjoy the textures. He is starting to get down right bossy and we are having to discipline him. It's hard to tell him no and take things from him, but it's very necessary!
Lydia-She has no clue how much joy she brings me. The look in to her eyes and get to dream of her future. I can imagine her first birthday with out painful what ifs. I get to watch her normal natural development and stand in awe as I have a better concept of all that can go wrong. She is so happy and calm. She sits and watches and smiles. She laughs the most for David and David has recently started to enjoy her. She will cry and he will call to me "Lydia, Lydia!" As if to tell me "Mom! Lydia needs you!" Yesterday she was hungry and crying. I was holding David and told him that Lydia needed milk and was hungry. I said "David you need to sit in the bouncer so I can give Liddy her milk. I sat him in the bouncer and picked up Lydia to nurse her. He actually looked glad that I had made her stop crying. Once I got Lydia all situated he asked for me to hold him too. "Up?" I held them both and he played with her hands. She adores him. Lydia also thinks she is old enough to start trying to scoot. She can pivot and will often get over to the toys nearby. She weighs 18 lbs and she's not even 5 months just yet! She is growing WAY too fast!
As for me, I am happy. I am so blessed. Heavenly Father loves us so much and has shown us such tender mercies. Life can be hard. We have moments of melt downs and chaos, but I like this chaos better that what we've been through before. Life is good. I love my children and an thankful to be actively improving our relationships and to have more emotional energy to devote to them. I dread the next procedure for David. It will be in September. I wrestle with pros and cons of everything we do for David and have had to learn to trust in the Lord as I just can't control or fix everything. I am learning so many lessons. One big one is to focus on my family and my life and do the best I can, trusting that Heavenly Father will smooth over my shortcomings as I give my all. I feel so overwhelmingly blessed.
