David is TWO!

Oh David! You are Two! You made it!!! No matter what is to come I've had you for two whole years! I want to weep with gratitude!

David, as I think back on what we've been through together I am in awe of the amazing plan of our Heavenly Father.  Who would have thought such a trial filled time could be so full of blessings.

I remember when I first saw your face.  They layed you on my stomach.  I could see the top of your head and was touching your face.  As I turned my face towards Andy's to marvel with him at your birth I said something.  I don't remember what it was but at the sound of my voice, as if you had control, you turned your face and looked up at me.  Our eyes locked and I fell so deeply in love with you.  I promised you in my mind that I would help you through everything, that I would always be there for you and keep you safe. I knew you depended on me.

 They wheeled me over the breezeway to the childrens hospital.  I suited up in gloves and a big yellow apron. They wouldn't let me touch you with my skin.  You were there crying on this tiny plastic bed. I placed one hand on your head and one finger in your tiny hand, with the rest of my hand resting on you perfect scarless chest.  I talked softly to you.  You calmed immediately.  That night I watched you stop breathing.

 I remember your first smiles.  Andy and I would do anything we could to coax one out of you. They were food for our souls.  You wouldn't be awake enough to smile unless your pain meds were starting to wear off. It was a balance of getting you awake enough to interact and drugged enough to not be in pain.  The magic time only lasted a few minutes every few hours, but oh how you'd fight to stay awake when they gave you your next dose of pain medication.  Your little eyes would bat open and closed so many times before you'd finally lose to sleep.

I remember sitting in the milk pumping room.  Some crazy nurse thought it was a good idea to cover the walls with Anne G. baby pictures.  You know, all those fat healthy babies in ridiculous/adorable costumes.  There I would sit, cold and tired, trying to pump you milk and trying not to think about the fact you could die at any moment...and trying not to look at those taunting pictures.

I remember your first little cries. Not from birth, but after they took the breathing tube from your throat. How I longed to hear your cries.  With it in you would cry with no sound.  Unless a nurse or I were standing and looking at you we wouldn't know if you were crying or for how long.  Each time they'd try to extubate you it was heaven hearing your tiny hoarse cries.  One time your dad and I were visiting you, you had been sleeping soundly so we sat behind your little bed talking.  After a few minutes we hear a faint little sound. We stopped at looked at each other, smiling.   We heard it again, almost like a soft kittens cry. We came right to your bed side to comfort you, with tears in our eyes.

I remember the first time I really held you.  Every time I think about it I can't stop myself from crying.  28 of the longest most heart wrenching days of my life. You'd had 4 open heart surgeries and 2 resuscitations. It took over 15 min just to move all your wires and tubes to a rolling IV pole.  The moment they set you in my arms I felt a flood of emotions.  I had waited and waited, promising God I would be patient about holding you if you would only be allowed to live..I'd wait as long as I needed to.  They kept trying to get you stable enough to hold but your blood pressure would drop or you'd need to be re-intubated, you just didn't tolerate laying on your side.  So many times thinking..maybe soon..but no..and it was ok.  But when they surprised me and let me hold you, I was in heaven.  It was more than I hoped for.  3 hours of studying the angles of your face, feeling the weight of you in my arms, smelling your head, singing you hushed lullabies, and thanking God for that precious moment.  My arms didn't ache anymore.

I remember walking outside with you for the first time.  You were 3 months old!  We squinted our eyes against the sun.   You had done it! You'd felt the warmth of the sun, the breeze in your hair, you'd heard the sounds outside of the hospital, and we were going home!

Going home!  What a terrifying wonderful feeling!  I carried you into the house.. The kids had a big welcome home sign for you and a big chocolate cake!  We layed you on the green blanket on my bed and marveled at you.  All the kids gathered around.  The spirit in our home was pure and perfect.  I had looked at our green comforter for months, imaging you laying there in the middle of our bed instead of in that cold, sterile ICU room. You'd take a turn for the worst and I'd push the thought from my mind and regret having hoped so vividly. Now there you were. Andy laying by you, Luke by him, and you're smiling. It's a mental picture I'll never forget.

A few days later you started kicking your feet.  You couldn't do it for long and would sleep alot after but there you were with no cuffs or wires hanging off of you and you were loving the freedom.

I worried when you came home that you would be over stimulated by the noises of your siblings, but you seemed to thrive in it.  You were not a fussy baby in the true sense of the word.  You were what I like to call "rapid cycle."  You slept a lot!  You had so little oxygen you were always a dusky grey color.   You would wake up happy and playful but within an hour or so you were tired and fussy.  You'd fuss for an hour then sleep for an hour, then it would start over.  I'd sit in the rocking chair with you plugged up to your feeding pump and I'd rock you..for hours.  Days seemed like they would slip by and besides getting meds and pumping I spent weeks in my room rocking you.  The kids would gather around and I would read to them and help them with their school but you hardly left my arms.

When you first came home you couldn't have anything near your face, without lots of work warming you up.  You couldn't be held chest to chest. Even if I held you baby doll style and your cheek would brush against my chest you would be sent into a spell of uncontrollable retching.  You'd turn from dusky grey to down right blue in seconds.  For those first months home I worked with you, creeping my finger from your forehead down to your cheek then finally to your lips and ever so gently I'd rub your gums.  You were 10 months when you'd finally sleep comfortably chest to chest on me when I sat.  You were 20 months when you first let me brush your teeth with out oral aversion issues. Those milestone are such sweet memories.

I remember your trusting eyes as you got to taste things.  You'd look at the food with a unsure and somewhat disgusted look.  You'd look at my encouraging face and let me dot it on you lips.  Even more recently you gave me that same unsure look as I helped you take steps or I helped you cope with letting the nurses do another echo or another EKG.  Those big blue eyes speak to my heart.  You always give what you can.  You are my hero.

I remember your first walks and park trips, when you first were able to sit, and your amazingly beautiful, proud face as you rounded the island in our kichen for the first time walking!  It brought tears to my eyes.  Oh the things we take for granted!















 I remember your fist big belly laugh.  Caleb was playing with you in your crib.  I could hear you giggling and was coming closer.  Then I  heard you just crack up laughing.  Again and again you laughed as Caleb did some sort of silly sound and motion.  Then out of my room ran Caleb as fast as he could. He had the biggest smile on his face and tears were rolling down his cheeks.  "Mom did you hear it!! I made David laugh so hard!"  Tears continued, now for both of us, tears of joy.

This is not of that day but Caleb kept finding great joy making you happy.

This is you in all your adorableness. Imagine having to turn this sweetie over to have  his heart stopped and fixed.

 I remember after you next open heart surgery..the one at 6 months old (Glenn).  The kids came to see you.  You were all swollen and burnt up from the chemicals they used to wash your neck and hadn't rinced well enough.  You looked miserable but were smiling at them.  Oh your fighter spirit!

Such a trooper!

day four

EEG number 3

You eventually learned to like sucking on fabric with the front part of your mouth.

One year old!

You didn't care for grass at first but after many exposures you learned to handle it.

Your eye surgery was 3 weeks before Lydia was due!

I remember then you woke up from your nap and layed on my bent leg, smiling happily at the boys....then your face fell to a blank stare as you started having a seizure.  I held you as you jerked faster and faster.  My nine month old little baby! We rode to the hospital in an ambulance that broke down on the side of the road.  Good thing you were recovering ok by then or I would've been hitch-hiking you to the hospital.

I remember you at the hospital with RSV.  You had just started taking real steps the week or two before.  After a few days of being in the hospital you were feeling some better..still on oxygen but wanting to walk. You did your sign for walk and pointed out of the bed.  There you were trying to walk with all your wires!

Then there was today.  You were coughing, having yet another cold.  You were gagging.  I asked from the other room, if you were ok. UH! is what I heard. "Ok"I thought  5 min later I started thinking "where is David.  I went to the boys room where all the kids but you were laughing and playing. David! I called.  David!!!  My heart started beating faster as I scanned the living and dining rooms.  David!!!!!  I saw you over behind the couch laying on your back on the wood floor. I looked at your coloring as I ran to you.  I shook you! "David!!!!!" I said hearing the hint of terror in my voice. Your eyes opened stunned then sleepy. "UH!" you say. I sighed a huge sigh of relief,  hugged you slowly, swallowing the lump in my throat.  Then I placed you lovingly in my bed, kissed you and walked away thanking God for another day with you!

David I want you to know.  You are amazing.  You fight and try and keep going.  You look scared, tired, unsure and even in pain sometimes but you don't let it get you down.  You are full of life and joy.  You love to laugh and play and make us laugh! You have deep reserves of patience and a look of wisdom in your eyes.  Sure you throw your food on the floor and try to whack Liddy in the head sometimes, but when I hold you I feel stronger, when I worry and fret and try to protect you, you always surprise me with your ability to take what comes and re-group from tramatic episodes.   You teach me by your example to keep going and keep loving each day I'm blessed with.

Happy second birthday my love!